autumn surge

my most favorite time of year is upon us, autumn.  october.  leaves morphing into striking hues that inspire me so.  scarves and gloves.  sweaters and fuzzy socks.  boots and jackets.  blankets and hot chocolate.  soon, the familiar smell of chimney fires will fill the crisp air outside and transcend me back to my childhood.  i loved that smell then, still do.  i couldn't take in enough of it.  playing outside with friends.  happy times. 

with autumn comes many changes.  and those winds of change also spark the dramatic need for change in my own personal life.  i feel on fire in autumn.  i acquire that surge of energy needed to put wheels in motion.  i'm not sure where this annual desire comes from, or why it arrives.  after much thought over the years, i can only liken it to my childhood.  the end of summer, the beginning of a new school year.  school clothes, school supplies.  new classes, teachers, possible new friends and all the new anxieties that come along with the unknown.  fire, unsettling excitement.  energy.  change.  and for some reason, my psyche feels the need to recreate this need for change every autumn. 

someone very special to me brought this odd quirk of mine to my attention several years ago.  although, i did notice this "surge" myself, i mostly thought of it as a time of reminiscence, a longing for a time when life was simpler.  and maybe part of that holds true, but the need for change was certainly evident.

i ask myself now, what is so wrong with wanting change?  isn't that part of growing?  like in autumn, nature  withers in order for new growth in spring.  what is wrong with wanting to shed the undesired and fill life with something new and more positive?  why was this "quirk" of mine considered a "flaw" in your eyes?  this belief of yours convinced me that i was self-destructive.  unwanting of happiness.  perhaps you failed to consider that our ideas of happiness did not coincide. 

i consider myself ever-evolving.  continually in tune with what the universe has in store for me.  day by day riding on the waves of destiny.  i gave up fighting change.  i gave in to acceptance.  conformity does not exist in my world.  i've been called a gypsy.  that makes me smile.  maybe i am in a sense, but again..........what is so wrong with that?  maybe what was wrong was that you wanted me to be something i wasn't. or perhaps for a period in my life, i was attempting to be something i wasn't.  perhaps both.  who knows, really?

i find it odd that this blog ended up being about you.  i'll always adore you.  i've no ill words about you, for they do not exist.   i am thankful for your presence in my life.....then, and even more so now. 

i hope you find your kind of happiness.  you deserve it.....as do i. 

my quest for vegan-hood

food.

quite possibly my most favorite word, activity and obsession (other than my dog, cooper).  i like to fancy myself a "foodie".  and one of my most favorite things to do is prepare a meal.  i love being in my kitchen.  i love shopping for food.  i think about food probably more than most people i know.  when going out with friends, i like to know where we are going to eat way beforehand so i can drool over the menu ALL DAY.  i love food.  i love the smell, the sound, the taste and the visual aspect.  food is my obsession, yet also my dilemma. 

a few years ago i stumbled across a book, "Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin.

i was tired of the weight i had gained.  i wasn't "fat".  no, nowhere near.  but i had smoked for 9 years and when i quit smoking, i gained 25lbs in 6 months.  25lbs!  when putting on my jeans became an all-out war, i decided i was ready to make some lifestyle changes to get back to my size 6.  a trip to the bookstore resulted in a 3 year struggle with food choices and lifestyle that i still battle.

i didn't realize when i bought "Skinny Bitch" that it was a book about being vegan.  vegan?  no more cheese?  NO WAY!  but, the book was an easy read, very entertaining and...........very eye-opening.  up until that point, i hadn't really given much thought about where my food came from and much less what was in it.  and the chapter on animal slaughter had me sobbing like a damned fool.  (i.love.animals.)  after reading that book, i made a change in my life.  i became a vegetarian with the hopes of someday reaching "vegan-hood".

the hardest part for me, believe it or not, was NOT giving up meat.  it was changing the way i cook.  having to "re-learn" how to cook in a way that was healthy.  constantly researching new recipes for my new lifestyle.  trying new things like tofu and kale.  

i was successful for a short period of time.  thanksgiving and christmas was a bitch!  all that intoxicating aroma of cholesterol washing over me.  but, i made it through.  however, it was difficult diving into this new lifestyle while living with someone who didn't want to jump on the train with you.  eventually, i caved.  i went back to being a shameful carnivore. 

after my divorce, i jumped back on that train.  this time with much more vigor.  i also watched several documentaries and read a few other books on veganism, our sad, sad food industry and the powers of juicing.  let me tell you, juicing makes you feel like a god.  ok, maybe not that awesome, but it does make you feel amazing.  i felt better than i ever had in my life.  i gave up the cheese (my biggest weakness), i gave up coffee (ouch).  i lost about 15 lbs and i had more energy than ever.  i.was.a.vegan.  for a minute.  well, actually about 6 months.  but, thanksgiving and christmas were just around the corner.  i remembered the utter disappointment of my belly from the previous year's holidays.  i didn't know if i could endure that sort of torture again.  so, i came to the decision that i would allow myself a bit o' turkey on thanksgiving and one bratwurst on christmas.  (ok, so ya know......i'm half german.  my family eats brats for christmas because we're cool like that). 

for months i dreamed of thanksgiving.  i couldn't wait for the day.  but before then, my birthday rolled around.  i thought, if i can have turkey on thanksgiving, surely i can have a cheeseburger on my birthday???  (huge cheeseburger FREAK)  i allowed myself this juicy, fatty birthday present and it awarded me a huge tummy ache and maybe a little vomit.  tmi??  but after i recovered, it felt worth it.  i savored that memory until thanksgiving when i was much more careful with my meat intake.  i only had a sample of turkey.  but it was deeeee-lish.  back on the wagon.

christmas 2011 would be the demise of my "vegan" run.  (i put vegan in quotations because well, i DID cheat a couple of days).  i went a little further than just one bratwurst.  i went crazy from christmas until new years.  i gluttonly devoured everything in sight, with the thought "this is my reward for being good".  i'll go back after new years.  well, i didn't and i haven't since then.  add the return of my bad eating habits to my retirement from roller derby in October 2011 and  you have one girl who is back to commencing WWIII with her denim. 

but recently, i feel like i'm finally ready to jump back on that wagon and my plan is to kick it off with a bang and a pow.  one week juice fast.  oh my.  maybe i'll still allow myself a little "present" on the holidays, but i think i learned my lesson.

i know i have a lot of friends who like to poke fun at my choices, but let me encourage you to do the research.  "Skinny Bitch" has a lot of good information to start with.  "The China Study" by T. Colin Campbell will blow you away.

if you're not a big reader, watch these documentaries.  they are all on netflix.

Forks Over Knives

Food Matters

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead

The Gerson Miracle

that should be enough to get you started.  do your research.  know the facts before you criticize, and that goes for any subject for that matter.  just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong.

i don't claim to be an expert on proper nutrition, i don't claim to be a vegan either.  but......do know that i am trying to do what's best for me.  i'm reading, i'm learning.  i'll get there.

but before i start on my quest again.......do know that i WILL be stuffing my face with everything that i will miss.  just one more sweet love affair with a cheeseburger from claud's, ok....maybe two.

Moving Right Along....

Last month I turned 35.  I'm so close to 40 it's frightening.  But, I'm ok with it.  It's just weird, getting older that is.  I'm 35 but most times I still feel like I'm in my 20's.  Although, I am completely satisfied that my 20's are over.  Some mornings I wake up and feel every bit of 35.  Birthdays and new years always seem to make me evaluate my life and where I am.  This birthday has me feeling pretty great.

I am buying a house!  This is terrifying and exciting all at the same time.  I am completely wrapped up in this process and most times it is overwhelming.  Not only am I buying a house, I am also making big plans for renovating it before I move in.   Paperwork, paperwork, decisions, decisions.  Closing date is October 19th.  I am ready to get all this stuff over with so I can just enjoy my new place.

MY place.  My very own house.  No more throwing money away on rent.  This is exciting stuff.

Other than the temporary stresses of becoming a new homeowner, life is pretty sweet. Although, there has been some drama thrown at me.  But to that drama I say, "You will not penetrate my serenity.  You do not have the power to destroy me".  I don't do petty.

Moving right along..........

One year without her....

Rain and thunder today.  How fitting.  Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my favorite cat, CC.  She was 13 years old when I lost her.  Everything happened so fast and now I can never have her back.

CC was the friendliest, sweetest cat I have ever known.  Many mornings I would open my eyes to find her laying on my chest and staring at me, just waiting for her moment to greet me with the softest meow.  She loved to follow me around the house, loved attention, loved to snuggle and sleep under the covers at night time.  She had the LONGEST fur and it was every where!!  I now have some of her fur in a plastic bag.  I keep it in a box with her other things.

On my desk is her urn, around my neck a necklace which holds some of her ashes, on my wrist a tattoo of her paw print.  Although she is gone, she is all around me and always with me.  Other than fish, I never had a pet as a child.  Never knew what it was like to lose one for that matter, either.  I wanted a cat for as long as I could remember and the very day I moved out on my own, I got my very own cat, Gato.  One year later, I got another cat, CC.  Two years later I got ANOTHER cat, Kitty.  After that I was set.  Ha!

CC brought me so much joy and comfort.  I miss her dearly and so do my other babies.  Especially, Gato.

As I was waking up this morning, I swear I heard her sweet meow.  I know it was really Gato, but she sounded JUST like CC.  Soft and perfect, sweet and smooth.  It made me cry.

As a pet owner for the last 15 years, I have never been disillusioned to the fact that death is inevitable, but no one ever told me just how much losing a pet would hurt and how even a year later, it can still hurt just as badly. 

I am thankful for the 13 years I got to share with my little furry love.  Today I will visit the lake where I scattered some of her ashes.  I haven't been able to bring myself to visit the lake since the day I laid her to rest.  But today.....I will.



Saying goodbye to my baby girl....

Rest in peace, CC Cat.  Mommy will love you forever and always.

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

I've been spending my evening getting my place ready for guests tomorrow while listening to my fav music on shuffle.  One song just came along that i haven't heard in a while.  I love how a song can bring you back to a certain period in your life and how the memory of that moment makes you realize how far you've come, how better off you are without that certain someone.  I am so thankful I found the courage to leave that jackhole so many years ago.  And now I am glad to say that I am actually thankful for the most miserable years of my life.  They taught me everything I never want to be and everything I never want in my life.  He may have diminished my very being, but not for long.  He only made me stronger.

Trust me when I say that no one is making you unhappy but yourself.....NO ONE.  You are the only one that can give that kind of power to someone else.  If you're not happy, take that power back.  Make a change in your life.  If someone drains the soul out of you, say goodbye and don't look back.  Quit holding onto something/someone that brings you down.  Quit blaming others for your problems.  Figure out what those problems are, where they came from and then deal with them and move on.  Life really is that simple.  You just need to learn to loosen your attachments.  Live free.  Be happy.


The song that inspired this blog........."Say Hello Wave Goodbye" - David Gray
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzdrabPpRE

go away month of may....

o.v.e.r.w.h.e.l.m.e.d.

bleh.  i need a vacation, stat.  and by vacation, i mean....i need a week off with nothing to do buy lie in my bed, cuddle my sweet dog and take him for walks kind of vacation.  no cell phone, no internet....just sunshine and a good book or five. 

i try to live simple, i do.  but nothing about the month of may has been simple.  in fact, i want to run away from may. 

minus a mini-get away to chicago next week to see my most favorite band EVAH, i dismiss you may.  go away.

Standing Still.....

As of late, my mind has been muddled with "things".  Over the years I have noticed that I never fail to over-extend myself, to fill my free time so that there is no free time.  Always so eager to please those around me that I often put their needs before my own.  Saying "no" is rarely an option for me.  And oh, how I loathe this character trait deeply embedded within myself.  I have often tried to eliminate it's very existence and have witnessed moments of success, but sadly, they are fleeting.  It's a vicious cycle and one that often brings about dreams of the west coast.  Away from all I know.  A fresh start.  

Standing still......it is something  I am learning to do.  To live in a moment and not demand entertainment.  What is wrong with silence?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

It's time to feel more connected to the earth and less connected to distractions. Lessen the load.....physically and mentally.  I need to refocus.  I have let this society suck me back into its poisoned well.  The stench is suffocating.  Time to climb out, rise above, experience the dizzied rush of sun-soaked skin and wind-whipped hair.  Revel in the deep and peaceful breaths of freedom.

Life isn't meant to be a burden.  It is meant to live, experience, grow, learn and enjoy.  Eagerly let go of anything and anyone that weighs you down, for we are all meant to fly.

Just Like a Mother Loves Her Child...

I do not want children.

I don't say this because I do not like kids.  Truth is, I adore kids.....especially my nieces and nephews (of which I have 5 each).  I say this because I have never had a true desire to bring a child into this world, more so now than ever before.  I don't really have an exact reason for not wanting children other than the desire for such in non-existent.

I do tire of  those that question my judgement, however.  As though there is something wrong with me for not wanting a child.  Guess what?  There is nothing wrong with me.  I think knowing what I want and don't want is everything that is right for me.

Besides........I already am a mother.  A mother of three adorable, fuzzy, four-legged animals that fill my heart with joy every day.  Gato, my oldest cat, just turned 15.  Kitty, my youngest cat will be 13 in September.  Cooper, my love, my dog.....will be 4 in June.  Everyday, I feed them, love them, play with them, care for them, clean up their poop and create a budget that includes the very best I can give them.  Cooper even has full medical coverage and a $50 haircut a month.  So, yes I am a mother.....and a damned good one, too.

Yesterday was one of those days you wish never happened.  I had noticed in the last two weeks that my baby girl, Gato was acting abnormal.  Long story short, I found out  yesterday that she has diabetes.  While trying to contain my overwhelming emotional sadness, I learned to how to administer an insulin shot and exactly what was happening physically to my baby. 

It was only 10 months ago that I lost my cat, CC, to congestive heart failure.  She was 13.  The absolute pain of losing her has subsided some but it still hurts deeply.  When I learned of Gato's condition, it took everything I had not to break down.

I'm a happy girl, happy by choice.  I choose to look at the bright side.  While the news was shocking, I realized it was a blessing to have brought her in.  Now I know how to take care of her.  Now I can give her a better life for her remaining years.  Giving insulin shots twice a day is merely a minor adjustment and I will do everything I can to make her happy and comfortable.

Because I love her........just like a mother loves her child.

"What Do You Do?"

There is a question that exists in this world that people frequently ask.  It's a question that I dislike, however I find myself asking others the same thing.  That question is, "What do you do?"  It's such a vague question and depending on the individual being asked, the answer can be quite vague as well or sometimes overly informative.

The reason why I dislike the question is this; I do not like to define myself by my employment.  So...."What do I do?"  I am an office manager for an electrical contractor.  40 hours a week I sit behind a desk and push paper around, direct phone calls, dabble in accounting, payroll, insurance and human resources.  A collection of duties that truly do not inspire me at all but manages to pay my bills and reward me with a comfortable lifestyle.  That is my answer and yet, it isn't.  Don't get me wrong, I do like my job, but my job does not define me as an individual.

I think the better question to ask is; "Who are you?"

Who am I? 

Who I am is this; a musician, an artist, a dreamer, a friend.  There are so many aspects to who I am as an individual that make answering the question "What do you do?" difficult to convey in casual conversation.

I dream of a world no longer dependent upon a failing monetary system.  A world in which once asked the proposed question, I can give my true answer.  But sadly, I don't think I'll ever live to see that world.  Money truly is the root of all evil.

I'm really not sure where I'm going with this blog, but this thought was on my mind.

Music - it's what I do.  It's what I love.  It's what I spent four years of my life earning a college degree in, yet I often put it on the back-burner.  I have done so especially in the past three years while I took the time-out to be a rock-star roller derby girl.  Not that I regret doing so, it was truly an amazing experience and one that I will treasure for the rest of my life.....even if it has left my body in poor condition.  Ha!  But, I have been taking baby steps back into this dream of mine.  I want to be a songwriter.....always have.  And while yes, I am a songwriter, I want to do it professionally.  Good things are happening right now and I hope they continue down that path.

I'll never give up this dream because it will never stop dancing in my veins.  We are one.

Please take a listen to my new song, "34".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S-sityDI20&list=UUESgeGpnXgUASuF20QvUeDw&index=1&feature=plcp

Thrifty Gift Idea

This past Christmas I decided to do my best to create Christmas gifts instead of purchasing them and if I did purchase, I purchased wisely (shopped local, hunted flea markets and used book stores, etc.) you know, to do my part and all.

It was great fun, but I must admit that my favorite gift I made was for my parents.  I created "Memory Jars".  A memory jar is essentially a jar filled with memories written down on individual pieces of paper from various friends and family.  I started collecting memories in October and ended up with quite a few.  The goal was to have them open the jar and read one memory a day.  (I think they ended up reading them all at once, though!  And that's totally okay.)  All in all, the Memory Jar gift was a huge success and I'd like to share it with you!

First on the list was finding the perfect jars.  I wanted them to be a flea-market find with an antique-feel.  I scored.  I found these two antique mason jars for $4 a piece.

Mind you, these are larger than they appear....

Next step was glazing to keep nosy eyes from peeking!  I accomplished this by using white acrylic paint.  I put a small amount of the paint in a bowl and diluted it with a bit of water.  I then transferred the paint mixture into the jar and I rolled the jar around until every inch of it's interior was coated.  I put the jars  upside down on a paper towel to dry.  I repeated this step twice.

Once dried, I wrote each memory down on it's own piece of paper, folded them and put them in the jar.  I used a little raffia grass for a cute touch and made name tags from paper bags.  Luckily for me.....I already had the string and paint so this project only cost me $8 for two gifts.  Pretty thrifty, huh?   But if you wanted to purchase the raffia and the paint you could very easily do so without spending a lot of money.  Raffia will cost you a couple of dollars and  you can purchase a small tube of acrylic paint for around .60 cents.  

***Finished Product***

Forgot to get wrapping paper?  Here's an idea that's not only resourceful, but fun, too.  Grab your favorite magazine, tear out your favorite pages, tape them together and.....boom.  Wrapping paper.  It's quirky and I like it.

Proof.....you don't need a lot of money to make a big impact, you just need a little effort.  I'd take a homemade gift over a store-bought one any day. 

Feel free to use this idea and warm someones heart!

~Sylvie

More than a dog....

A few months ago I was strolling through a local doggie boutique with the love of my  life, my dog, Cooper.  ***Happily inserts adorable picture here***

I came across a doggie picture frame that I dearly wanted....it read "Now I Know What Love Is".  This simple statement made so much sense to me.  I mean, sure I've loved before, but until Cooper came into my life, I never understood what unconditional love really meant. 

I didn't buy the frame (It was nearly $40! Seriously?)  but the phrase stuck with me.  About a month later, I found a cheap 8x10 frame for $2 and I painted it.  Now it is proudly displayed in a quaint 1940s condo I currently call my home. 

Sounds silly, but this little frame I created means a great deal to me.  It serves as a reminder that life can be simple and full of love, that happiness does truly exist.  Happiness isn't material driven, happiness is a wagging tail.  Happiness isn't beating your competitors, happiness is a walk around the block.  Happiness isn't being comfortable in a conformed society, happiness is an unexpected tongue up your nostril. 

Simple....simpler....simply.  Cooper is my heart, my world.  He makes me want to be a better person.  He's the reason I go home every day on my lunch break.  He's the reason I am happier than I have ever been.

Almost four years ago, I fell in love with a 2 1/2 lb. fur face.  10 lbs later, he is my best everything....yet he has no idea how much he has changed my life for the better and healed my soul.  He's more than a dog, he's my life.