my most favorite time of year is upon us, autumn. october. leaves morphing into striking hues that inspire me so. scarves and gloves. sweaters and fuzzy socks. boots and jackets. blankets and hot chocolate. soon, the familiar smell of chimney fires will fill the crisp air outside and transcend me back to my childhood. i loved that smell then, still do. i couldn't take in enough of it. playing outside with friends. happy times.
with autumn comes many changes. and those winds of change also spark the dramatic need for change in my own personal life. i feel on fire in autumn. i acquire that surge of energy needed to put wheels in motion. i'm not sure where this annual desire comes from, or why it arrives. after much thought over the years, i can only liken it to my childhood. the end of summer, the beginning of a new school year. school clothes, school supplies. new classes, teachers, possible new friends and all the new anxieties that come along with the unknown. fire, unsettling excitement. energy. change. and for some reason, my psyche feels the need to recreate this need for change every autumn.
someone very special to me brought this odd quirk of mine to my attention several years ago. although, i did notice this "surge" myself, i mostly thought of it as a time of reminiscence, a longing for a time when life was simpler. and maybe part of that holds true, but the need for change was certainly evident.
i ask myself now, what is so wrong with wanting change? isn't that part of growing? like in autumn, nature withers in order for new growth in spring. what is wrong with wanting to shed the undesired and fill life with something new and more positive? why was this "quirk" of mine considered a "flaw" in your eyes? this belief of yours convinced me that i was self-destructive. unwanting of happiness. perhaps you failed to consider that our ideas of happiness did not coincide.
i consider myself ever-evolving. continually in tune with what the universe has in store for me. day by day riding on the waves of destiny. i gave up fighting change. i gave in to acceptance. conformity does not exist in my world. i've been called a gypsy. that makes me smile. maybe i am in a sense, but again..........what is so wrong with that? maybe what was wrong was that you wanted me to be something i wasn't. or perhaps for a period in my life, i was attempting to be something i wasn't. perhaps both. who knows, really?
i find it odd that this blog ended up being about you. i'll always adore you. i've no ill words about you, for they do not exist. i am thankful for your presence in my life.....then, and even more so now.
i hope you find your kind of happiness. you deserve it.....as do i.
